Who have I?

My depression is causing my heart to ache. I have been uprooted, rejected and displaced. I am living in a city in which I know none. No friends, no family, just my offspring less one. All this pain in which I’ve gained, all this lonliness in my space. I do the best that I can to provide for my loving children and I. There is none who to care for me when I am sick or when I cry.

My whole life I desired only God and family. My children I have but the rest have rejected me. What have I done to deserve this lonely life, which has been nothing but pain and strife. Perhaps is is my fault I am alone. I pushed all away before they could break my heart and my bones. Traumatized and abused and disowned.

I shall not allow this black pit in which I dwell, to drown my children in it’s eternal well. I will stand up and scream out light. I will keep going and facing this pain, remembering not to let it touch my children. To protect them from my heartbreak, to raise them up in light. Teaching them that love is the basis of all life.

I thought I had a mother but now I know I do not. For she was the first one who broke my heart. Therefore, my purpose is to be the best mother I can be. To protect, provide and guide my children in this cold world. Do it alone I shall, for I fear God has left us. Or perhaps I have turned away from God. I need my Lord now more than ever to unbreak my heart. I desire not romance, nor marriage, nor material things. I only hope for our own home to be filled with family and friends. And lots of dogs, a horse or two. Perhaps some chickens with a chicken coop. Are my desires to much to ask for? I suppose being alone this is something I can’t seem to reach for. Should I pass away, there will be none at my memorial service, save my three children and angels I have always cried out for.

I want to be wanted, to be needed and loved. Not by a romance but by the family and God. I love my children more than anything in life. I promise I will never turn my back on them nor cause them strife. I hope someday I can forgive my own mother but for now it is a hope that I cannot seem to reach for.

I merely hope to give my children the best life can offer. They deserve more than they have been given and I hope that I am doing a wonderful job raising them alone. I protect them from those who have broke my heart and would break my bones. God please turn back to me. Save me from this depression and despair. Please hold me. Hold my children in your loving arms forever and ever and let us be safe in this lonely place in which we have been displaced. Thank you God for loving us true. Thank you for keeping us safe from those who distrust You.